


slapdash weddings are (usually) not the solution

by WishingTree



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: F/F, Gen, cracky comedy, does it make any sense? no!!!, hopefully anyways, lowkey hate it but oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-09 21:18:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18925213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WishingTree/pseuds/WishingTree
Summary: When they lose the rest of the team during a mission and hit a wall trying to launch a rescue, Zari and Sara go with the obvious option to save the day:They get married.





	slapdash weddings are (usually) not the solution

**Author's Note:**

> You can all thank [AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvaHasAClosetMurderBoard/) for prompting this mess

They’re in the middle of yet another mission gone off the rails when things get even worse in the form of a robot mob swarming them, and Zari wonders why this always happens to them. 

“ _Please, if you would cooperate, we are to escort you to the governor._ ”

Sara cackles as she flips her way across the hall, crushing three of the robots on the way, and Zari remembers what her team is actually like, and then she stops wondering.

Speaking of her team, Zari’s lost track of most of them by now – well, she’s lost track of everybody except Sara, actually – but she’s pretty sure that the others are still somewhere in the building. 

Maybe. Probably.

She ducks another swinging robot limb and activates her totem to blast a line through to a clear hallway, grabbing Sara by the collar and dragging her along as she runs. They can definitely take out all these robots on their own, but it would take time and get mildly annoying by the end of it. Besides, they’ve got a team to find.

Hopefully they aren’t captured and being held prisoner by the weird radically pro–love political structure they’ve had the misfortune of landing in, but Zari really doesn’t think they’re that lucky.

“ _Please, you are the last two of your party still roaming the halls, if you would cooperate –_ ” 

The electronic voice gets cut off as Sara puts her fist through its front face screen thing, and Zari sighs.

So apparently the others have been captured and are being held prisoner then.

Great.

“I think we need a plan here!” she yells at Sara who is taunting the robots over her shoulder to no effect. Apparently in the year 2891, the continent of Banff is run by a government that is exceptionally focused on promoting love of all kinds. It also seems to involve detaining anybody who doesn’t abide by its regulations, and Zari really doesn’t know how they managed to make _love_  of all things quantifiable, but here they are. 

Still running, Zari hurls a concentrated gust of wind behind her to knock over the remaining robots before darting into a stairwell and heading for the floor above them.

“So, finding the others, any ideas?” Sara asks, keeping pace easily.

Zari starts to shake her head as she slams through the next door, but then she spots an open office with a whole wall of screens, and that is definitely Zari’s area of expertise.

“Come on,” she beckons for Sara to follow her, which she does after using a decorative side table to barricade the stairwell door. They step into the office and look around, and Zari hones in on the computer in the middle. It’s a futuristic computer, but it’s still got a keyboard and Zari gets to work. 

Typing rapidly, she pokes around until she finds the security feeds for the building. A few more quick clicks to sort through it, and then she finds the rest of their team, pulling the video up onto the central monitors.

The team is sat in front of what appears to be an educational video of some kind, all paying attention to varying degrees. Thankfully, they don’t seem to be in immediate danger from anything other than boredom, so Zari’s sense of urgency retreats to a more manageable level, more flashing warning light than apocalypse.

“So how do we get them out?” Sara asks, leaning over her shoulder, and Zari squints at the screen, typing a few more commands.

“Okay, we could try to straight up break them out, which would take us a while given all their levels of security, or...” she drags the word out as she clicks around, opening the most recently created files she assumes are linked to their teammates, “…We could just convince the governor person to let them go?”

Sara gives her a strange look, and Zari taps the screen. “Look, their charges are… coded with a mutant butterfly, for some reason, but judging by this chart, it’s the lowest offence. An appeal could get them released.” 

She points at it and waits as Sara scans the words, and when she straightens Zari raps her knuckles against the desk, adding, “For that all we have to do is fight through the red tape.” 

“Okay,” Sara nods, curling her hands into fists, “So where do we find this governor?” 

 

 

Sara sticks her head around the corner to scope out the situation in front of the door to the main council room, and Zari peeks her own head out on top of hers to get a look herself. They jostle each other because Zari is not quite tall enough to pull off the motion, and Sara slaps a hand over Zari’s mouth when she can’t quite contain her snickers, trying to give her a reprimanding look that’s ruined by the way the corners of her mouth twitch upwards before they both turn back.

There’s a lone guard standing in front of the door, still dressed in a simple guard uniform like from Zari’s time, with the exception being that it’s coloured a soft purple and patterned with flowers. With no visible weapons, he doesn’t look like much of a threat, but Zari still eyes him suspiciously.

“I’ll take him out easy, and then we get in and find the governor,” Sara says in a hushed whisper, a determined set to her jaw. She ducks low and creeps forward, leaving Zari tucked around the corner as she sneaks up behind him, but when she goes to grab him in a chokehold her arms go right through him and she stumbles into the table instead.

“Uh, it’s – that’s a hologram!” Zari calls over helpfully as she finally notices the buzzing edges of the projection, and Sara turns to give her a look before straightening and taking a step to the side so she can see the guard.

“Yo, Mr. Hologram Dude,” she raps her knuckles on the desk, “How about you let us in?” 

He blinks slowly and looks up, finally acknowledging her, and then he makes a drawn out humming noise that Zari knows is going to infuriate Sara. “Sorry, only those authorized are granted entrance.”

“Alright, then how do we get authorization?” 

“A bond of love grants you permission to enter.”

“…A what?” Sara says flatly, and Zari figures she’ll let her handle this one.

“You must share a bond of love, as decreed by the 83rd amendment of the Loyster Law.”

Zari winces at the name. “…Ew.”

The guard ignores her, continuing to drone on about some technicality or other, and Zari shifts on her feet. She hears a crinkling noise and absentmindedly pats at her pocket, pleasantly surprised to find a pack of candy and tearing it open as she tunes back into the conversation.

“If you don’t have such a bond, then you need permission from the governor themselves. Which… you can’t get without an audience anyways, so I’d suggest coming back when you have one.”

“And if we don’t want to take your suggestion?” Sara narrows her eyes, but the guy shrugs, completely unconcerned.

“I couldn’t let you in even if I wanted to, the doors are controlled by an external AI. I have no access.”

Sighing heavily, Sara waves a hand and mutters, “Never mind.” She spins on her heel and stalks back down the hallway, and Zari trails after her as she chews on her candy.

“So, automated door controlled by an artificial intelligence I have no access to. We gotta find a way to trick the sensors then.” 

Sara nods at her words and directs her back into the office they had originally been hiding in. “You wait here, keep trying to access it remotely through the computer. I’m gonna go stab it.”

“Um – ” 

But Sara is already gone, and Zari shrugs as she settles down to wait.

 

 

“So stabbing it didn’t work,” Sara announces when she marches back in, and Zari snickers, not turning away from the screen.

“Imagine that,” Zari says cheerfully, and then she holds out her hand. “Candy?”

 

 

Sara tries again. And then again.

This process goes on for a while.

 

 

“You out of ideas yet?” Zari drawls, feet propped up on the table as she cranes her neck back to see Sara march into the room after yet another failed attempt, and Sara shakes her head.

“One more,” she declares, glancing around, “And you’re coming with me this time, I need some help.” 

Zari lets her boots drop back to the floor with a thump before standing, and then she turns around to face Sara to see that she’s holding dynamite. 

Zari doesn’t want to know where she managed to find dynamite.

 

 

Clothes still smoking, they pace back into the office that Zari is actually growing to be quite fond of.

“We need a way to get past those doors and get a meeting with whoever’s in charge around here,” Sara muses stubbornly, drumming her fingers against her leg. “What are we missing?”

“We’re stuck in an office in some weird future city’s town hall, what exactly are we supposed to do from here that we haven’t already tried?” Zari asks as she puts her face close to the glass of the door and tries to see past the strange metal fixtures sticking out of the walls for any signs of pursuing robots. It’s been suspiciously calm, and she doesn’t really believe that their attempts to gain entrance have gone unnoticed. They’ve been the opposite of subtle.

“Office! There’s – people keep important stuff in offices, right?”

Sara starts tearing through the desk behind her, and when the sound suddenly stops, Zari turns around to see her holding up a piece of paper.

“On a scale of one to ten,” Sara begins, not even trying to hold back the broad grin on her face, “How bad of an idea do you think it would be if we got married?”

Zari blinks, reading _Marriage License Application_  on the top of the form. “Seriously?  _Completely_ off the charts.”

Sara wiggles her eyebrows at her but doesn’t falter, and Zari has to laugh. They’re both completely disheveled, Zari’s shirt stained a very vibrant shade of green from her initial attempt at hacking one of the robots and Sara generally covered in dirt and grime from her break–in attempts, and Zari wouldn’t exactly call them marriage material.

But her mind is whirling, slotting this new option into their existing problem, and it really does seem like the perfect solution to everything. A legal declaration of a bond of love, which would definitely get them past the sensors and into the council room, and that would get them an audience with the governor.

It works, and Zari flashes her a grin. “Let’s do this thing.” 

 

 

They sneak down the hall and rush through the marriage process, which apparently consists of three signatures each and also a handstand for some reason, and then they’re married and they’ve got an excellent way to get their friends out of lockup. 

Returning to the council room entrance, Sara shoves the paper under the guard’s nose as she breezes past him, and Zari holds her breath until the doors whoosh open for them and they both successfully step over the threshold into the large circular room.

“Well, that was easy.”

A loud voice over the intercom announces that the governor is on their way, and Sara nods in satisfaction.

“By the way, where’s my ring?” Zari comments, crossing her arms and tilting her head to the side, and Sara raises an eyebrow.

“Where’s _my_  ring?” she shoots back.

Zari grins. “Hey, you’re the one who proposed to me,” she shakes her head and feigns disappointment. “I expected more than that, Captain, really.” 

Affronted, Sara makes an offended sound and looks around. There isn’t much in the room, but her face lights up anyways and she darts to the wall.

Grabbing for one of the weird decorative fixtures Zari has spotted scattered throughout the building, she tugs at the thin metal and bends it around her hand easily. She makes a satisfied sound and then flicks out one of her throwing knives to sever two pieces before stowing her weapon back to god knows where. As Zari watches in interest, she twists it all together and then holds the result up triumphantly.

“There, ring!” 

Zari snickers at the sight of the makeshift engagement ring but accepts it with a dramatic flourish anyways, making a show of sliding it onto the wrong finger.

“Now you owe me one too,” Sara declares, crossing her arms and watching her expectantly.

“Sure. I’ll get you a ring pop when we get back to the ship.”

“Fine. But it has to be blue.”

They’re interrupted by the arrival of the person Zari assumes is the governor sweeping in through an opening on the other side of the room, and they both spin around to face them.

“Welcome,” the governor nods serenely as they move to the table set in the centre of the room, “What is it you would like to discuss?”

Right to the point. Zari approves.

“Our friends are being held against their will, and we want them freed.”

The governor nods sagely. “Once they learn to love, they’ll all be released and reintegrated into society.”

Zari squints, not understanding. “How do you decide when somebody’s learned to love or not? Especially when being held in captivity, I can’t imagine there’s much to love in there.”

“When they display a suitable change in behaviours of course!”

Sara steps forward and scowls. “Everybody shows love in different ways, and it doesn’t make it any less genuine,” she says accusingly, crossing her arms over her chest, and though Zari completely agrees with her, this might be the dumbest sounding argument she’s ever been in.

The governor shakes their head. “Look, you can return to wherever it is you came from in peace, your friends will be treated justly until rehabilitation and then released. If you fill out the contact papers, we can inform you when that happens.”

“We’re doing this for love, isn’t that enough?” Sara tries, and the governor eyes her curiously.

“Are you?”

This is quickly getting too heartfelt for Zari. 

“Yes, love. That’s why we’re doing this! We love them,” Sara tells them earnestly, “Even if we hate them, we love them.”  

“I mean, we didn’t trash all your robots for the fun of it,” Zari says, and then belatedly realizes that it probably isn’t the best idea to remind them of that.

Sara gives her a look that says she much of the same, but then she turns back to the governor.

“They’re our family, so we can’t leave without them.” 

They don’t look convinced, and Zari can feel Sara’s exasperation begin to grow, so she wracks her brain for something that’ll get the governor on their side.

“Ohana,” she blurts out, “One of the ultimate declarations of love!” 

She only feels a little bit stupid as she says it, and the governor shifts their gaze to her.

“What is this Ohana? We aren’t familiar with the term here.” 

“Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind,” she recites firmly, “We won’t be leaving them behind, because we love them, the complete idiots that they are. And they love us too, just the same.”

The governor is quiet for a long moment, and Zari exchanges a hopeful look with Sara.

“Very well,” they acquiesce, and Sara does a fist pump in victory, “I will have your family brought up.” 

 

 

When the team is shown into the room and their round of greetings and celebratory hugs is complete, they quickly thank the governor before turning to leave, more than ready to head back to the ship.

They’re almost at the door when Sara makes a sound as she remembers something and whirls around. “Sorry, one more question.”

“Yes?” 

“How do we annul this?” She holds up their now significantly more crumpled marriage certificate, and Zari turns expectantly as well.

Ava is standing right next to her with a curious tilt to her head as she tries to read the paper, and Zari spares a thought that maybe they didn’t completely think this marriage thing through. 

The governor only stares at her blankly. “Annul? What for?”

“For… annulment’s sake?

“Yeah,” Zari chimes in, “I can’t stay married to _her_ forever.” She hooks her thumb in Sara’s direction and then pauses. “Um, no offence, Sara.” 

Sara rolls her eyes and scoffs good-naturedly. “Well guess what, I – ” 

“The…  _marriage_? What the hell happened while we were in hippie lockup?” Ava says, aghast expression on her face as she looks between them.

“Oh yeah, fun story!” Sara beams up at her, "So me and Zari got married to get into the council room, and… and yeah, that’s about it!” 

“Don’t forget the robots, it makes us look cooler if you include the robots.” 

“Right. And we destroyed a mob of robots too.” 

“…What?” Ava repeats despairingly, crossing one arm over her chest and propping her other elbow up so she can cover her eyes.

“Robots,” Zari supplies helpfully, “Not killer robots, but still. It counts.” 

“I think she got that part,” Amaya says gently, putting her hand in Zari’s arm, “She’s most likely referring to the marriage part?”

“…Ah.”

Ava uncovers her face and squints at Sara. “That was really the best you could come up with?”

“Yeah! It was a great idea, actually, and we tried basically everything else. Right, Z?” 

Zari blinks at her and then nods sagely. “Sara even tried dynamite.” 

“Ooh,” Mick grunts his approval, “Good plan, dynamite.” 

“Sure,” Ava sighs, covering her eyes again.

“Aw,” Sara teases, stepping forward so she can tug Ava’s hands away from her face. “Don’t worry, we’ll annul it and everything will be fine.”

Ava doesn’t say anything as Sara swings their joined hands, and she also doesn’t say anything when Sara wraps both arms around her waist and stretches up on her tiptoes to rest her chin on Ava’s shoulder.

She starts to whisper something low enough that only Ava can hear, and Zari wanders a couple steps away to give them some sense of privacy, pulling Ray with her and gesturing for the others to follow.

“You aren’t worried about the missus cheating on you?” Mick asks, smirking when Zari rolls her eyes at him.

“Please, like I – ”

They’re interrupted by a flustered exclamation from Ava who is now stomping towards them, cheeks flushed red with embarrassment as Sara laughs behind her.

“Alright Zari, you married her. She’s your responsibility now,” Ava waves at Sara, who only laughs harder before she grins and flutters her eyelashes beseechingly. 

“You don’t mean that, do you?”

Ava purses her lips as she makes a show of thinking about it, and then jumps and lets out a laugh when Sara pinches her hip in retaliation.

“Well, I don’t know. You’re pretty annoying sometimes, that could all be Zari’s problem now.”

Sara huffs a laugh as her smile turns to something gentler and she takes a step forward to put herself directly in Ava’s space.

“But what about the rest of the time?” 

They’re evidently in the process of forgetting that the rest of them are still standing there, and Zari claps a hand over her eyes.

“Wow,” Wally shakes his head faux-seriously, crossing his arms. “And right in front of your wife? You should be ashamed of yourself, Captain.”

They laugh, but Sara untangles herself from Ava’s embrace anyways.

“Right. So! Annulment?” 

 

 

It turns out that the process of getting an annulment in Banff is so uncommon that they have to go digging through multiple filing cabinets for it, and then have to sign approximately thirteen feet of paperwork.

Zari starts sighing somewhere around the third foot, and the rest of the team snickering behind her isn’t helping whatsoever.

But eventually, with every form filled in and her happily single once more, they all get to return to their ship. Together.

 

 

 

 

Two days later, Zari sneaks into Sara’s room and leaves a small box containing a blue ring pop on her bed. Tucked under it is a blank marriage license application form with a Star City letterhead printed across the top, and Zari grins as she makes sure her hastily scribbled note is clipped to it properly before sneaking back out of the room.

One day Sara will thank her.

 

 

_For when you want to get married for real_

_\- Your coolest friend and also ex-wife_

_P.S. Also? Maybe consider getting Ava a slightly better ring than what you got me_


End file.
